Our Heartspun Homeschool

Our Heartspun Homeschool

Thursday, August 9, 2012

The BIGGEST mistake of our lives & a journey back to fertility

Psalm 137 3-5 
Children are a gift from the Lord;
they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man
are like arrows in a warrior’s hands.
How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!

In order to tell you about the biggest mistake of our lives (in our opinion) I will give you a back story leading up to it.  I have been praying about whether or not to share this with the "world" or continue to keep it private amongst a few family members and a handful of friends, and I continue to feel led to sharing our story.

In the summer of 2003 my parents were loading up their moving truck to move to Colorado. I had been wondering if something was up with me for a couple days, and decided that afternoon to head to our apartment and take a "test". It was positive. I went back to my parents house to tell my husband, "you remember that thing we were talking about?", him- "ya", me- "it was positive", him- "oh" with a deer in the headlights look.

This was not in our life plan!!! Jeff was supposed to finish school, we were both supposed to work for a couple years to pay off debt and save money to buy a house. We kept it to ourselves for a few days as we helped drive my parents and their stuff out to Colorado. After telling my parents and feeling the relief of their support we felt better about things. And in April of 2004 we welcomed Mr. Colby into the world! What fun I had with that boy! (and still do) We knew I was going to be a stay at home mom, and I have always loved every minute of it!

When Colby turned 1 we knew we wanted to add to the family and have kiddos close together. We always said we wanted 2 or 3 kids. It took a grueling 3 months to get pregnant, but it finally happened and we were so excited. I was REALLY hoping for a girl, because i have always had a super close relationship with my mom and wanted to have the same with my own daughter. At the anatomy scan when I was half way through my pregnancy they told us we were having a baby girl- and I was so happy- I was literally sobbing in the ultrasound room. In February of 2006 miss Hallie (Hal-e) Jane was born!!

When Hallie was about 1 we decided it was time for another baby! So we got busy ;-) and well he basically just looked at me and I was pregnant again. And lo and behold another baby girl was on the way! In January of 2008 Miss Sadie came into the world.

At this point we had a 3 yr old, an almost 2 year old and a newborn...overwhelmed much??

Since the thing to do seemed to be get a vasectomy and not have to worry- we scheduled the appointment. No one discouraged us not to. No one said are you sure- this is a big decision. At this point though I am not sure I would have listened. We were overwhelmed with little ones, in a whole lotta debt, and I was dealing with minor PPD. So we made the appointment and Jeff had a vasectomy when Sadie was only 2 months old.

Fast forward 2 years. We have paid off most of that whole lotta debt...and I started getting an itch. An itch only women can relate to. (no not that kind of itch) a baby itch! The 3 we had were bigger and more responsible- we are homeschooling now, so no reason to get the kids off to school so I can go back to work. So I mentioned to Jeff that I wanted a baby and he laughed. A few months later I brought it up again (I am at this point fully aware its not possible but still talking about it) and he said "We played God and now we have to deal with it". OUCH! He was right though. We did play God. Why in the world would be break something that should never have been broken in the first place? Why would we take matters into our own hands and not keep Jeff the way God made him? We had a lot to think about.

I knew vasectomy reversals were expensive. We have known people that had them and they are not covered by insurance, and they cost over 10k dollars. So not an option for us. Although I decided to check out google anyways and see what was out there. I researched them a little and found a few doctors that did them at discounted rates. One was in Oklahoma. That was a day's drive away. And it was only $1,700. So I prayed..A LOT! And another few months later I brought it up to Jeff again..and guess what he told me. "I have always wanted more kids"- what?!?!??! Why in the world did we get a vasectomy then?!? Can't change that.

Now we were on the same page. We both felt led by God to start the process of booking the appointment and getting this all figured out. We were gonna get my husband FIXED!!!! He was truly broken. Dr. Wilson seemed too good to be true though with his low price of $1,700. So I researched him more, and found a great site on Baby Center full of women who have gone through the same thing raving about this Dr. He talks fast they said (they weren't kidding- remember the micro machine guy commercials?? ya faster than that!!) he doesn't have many people skills...nope didn't but he was good at his job. He does 3 surgeries a day and used to be a heart surgeon. So he is good at reconnecting small tubes. Even though Dr. Wilson's fee's were cheaper then most it was still a lot of money for us to come up with. Jeff did our taxes and guess what?? There was JUST ENOUGH of our refund left over for us to get this surgery done- so blessed! And feeling like we are still following the Lord's plan for us.

We knew there was only two days we were available to go get this surgery done, so we needed to score an appt. on the EXACT day and time we were able to be there. Dr. Wilson keeps his prices low by having an online scheduling system and no secretary. And he was booked 3 months in advance. I knew the day that the next available day would open up and had to act fast because the appointments get taken within minutes of opening up. Long story short but we got the EXACT day AND time we needed. Whew! Thank you God.

We had our trip planned and knew we had to take the kids. This was going to be interesting. We couldn't tell them what was going on- they wouldn't understand. Colby had just turned 7 so we just told them daddy needed a surgery on his leg.(HA!) The whole trip went off without a hitch, the kids did great, and Jeff was in pain but we all made it home alive the next day after LOTS of driving.

We did get a little bad news. For only being 3 years from having had a vasectomy the Dr. gave us the worst chances of sperm returning. Only 60%. And 40% chance of actually getting pregnant. We didn't let it get us down though. We tried, and tried, and tried. And nuthin.

I went to the doctor and found out I had hypothyroid- a cause for infertility. Took care of that- levels are normal now. And still nuthin.

For the last 14 months we have continued to have Faith and Trust that the Lord brought us down this path for a reason. If nothing else, our marriage is stronger. It has to be. Infertility sucks. I have a deep respect now for women who go through this for years. I might end up being one of them. And it's sad. And really lonely. Not many understand. And when you see pregnant people EVERYWHERE,  Facebook postings, and lots of cute teeny tiny adorable babies- it really sucks that none of them are yours. And don't get me wrong I am always SO happy for my friends and family having these blessings- but I'm not gonna lie- its REALLY hard. I have cried out to God trying to figure out why He brought us down this path and we are still not pregnant. He continues to tell me to wait. So I will. Just a few nights ago I was asking the Lord why another month has gone by of tests with only 1 line and as I was reading my Bible the verse I was reading said this, "You of little Faith, why did you doubt?" He knew I was going to fall apart, and I did. Thankfully it didn't last long and I was back to having Faith and trusting that He knows the right time for us and I will wait.

I will admit this process has changed me. I have more patience, I rely on the Lord for direction more, but I am also a little more sad sometimes. So if I have seemed different, its probably because of this process we have been going through. I enjoy the 3 babies I already have immensely, they are my world and always cheer me up when I am feeling down. Thankfully I hide it well and the kids are not effected.

We have had Jeff tested and he fell into the 60%- he is fixed, things are back to normal. We continue to pray and ask God to bless us again. Our children ask God every night for a new baby. And sometimes I hope someone will decide to just give me one! We have looked into adoption- we simply can't afford it, we have looked into foster care- they say our house isn't big enough. Doors slammed shut, so we are 99% sure those are not paths we can go down right now.

If anything I have learned that I will advocate to anyone and everyone to not get a vasectomy. Do something less permanent. Or don't do anything at all. Children are a blessing. We will no longer use birth control and "play God". We will accept all the blessings the Lord wants to give us. Of course at this point- one more would be awesome! Remember us in your prayers- we would greatly appreciate it.


Sarah said...

Praying for you Sarah. I truly understand. God's timing is hard to wait on, but perfect and complete.

Catherine Pounds said...

So happy you decided to open up about this part of your lives! We also went down this path, except I'm the one who got "fixed", and although I know it was the right thing for us, that "itch" is very persistent. Will be praying for you as you continue to navigate down this tough road!

Bella's mom said...

I don't know if this helps, but I'm pregnant now.... 7th pregnancy... 2nd baby. Our first daughter was the fourth pregnancy and the current one is the seventh. Good definitely has a plan. It's hard to see it at the moment, but that plan is spectacular. God healed me from a decade of debilitating depression through one of the miscarriages. He also let me meet that child in a dream. It was through that dream that he healed me. He used my unborn son as the vehicle. I know that it sounds crazy, but it's true. He also gave me a message. I need to raise my daughters to be shining lights of his grace and love. They have a job to do here on earth. My son and all those I lost will be waiting for me in heaven.

Supermomof3 said...

Yeah! You came out with it! Do you feel better! :) I will add you to my prayer list.....please add me back :) This journey is long, exhausting, and faith shaking. All those times I asked the Lord for patience.....he said here you go. All at the time I have none! Good Luck Sweetie and I pray for your two line test!

Amanda said...

Thanks for sharing your story!! We, too, made a BIG mistake when I had my tubes clamped. Fast forward many years, and we are saving for the surgery. We checked around, and prices for a tubal reversal are normally about 20k. Praise the Lord we were able to find a reputable doctor who performs them as a ministry for under 7k!! Our family is still saving, so add us to the prayer list as well!! Lord willing, next year we will have it done. Thanks once again for sharing!!

BearBear said...

praying for you all Sarah!!

Sara said...

Thank u ladies for all of your support and prayers, they are greatly appreciated. Praying for you ladies who also desire to have more children!

Mama2fiveblessings said...

Hi Sara,
I found your blog from the link up from Growing Home and just wanted to post and encourage you. We too went to see Dr. Wilson back in 2006 after having made our mistake after our first biological daughter was only one years old. We had by that point also adopted four children but were still feeling lead to make right what we had done wrong. After the reversal I was not successful at conceiving and had pretty much given up hope that the Lord would bless us again with another biological child. We had turned it over to the Lord though and were pleased that we righted the wrong no matter what the outcome. Fast forward 3 1/2 years and surprise I became pregnant out of the blue. Our son is now 18 months old and such a great blessing to each one of us. You never know what the Lord is going to do and what His timing is!! I also wanted to mention the ministry Blessed Arrows to your readers. They help fund reversals. You have to go through an application process and then the way it works is you donate each month something to the person on the list that is currently being funded while you wait to be at the top of the list. Then when it is your turn the other people in the group donate to you. What a blessing this was to us!! Thanks for sharing your heart and your story!