Life since Timothy...

Two years ago today I was undergoing a D and C after losing our sweet baby boy, Timothy. It was the hardest and darkest time I have ever been through so far in my life.

Before we became pregnant with our fourth child, Henry, we had filled out paperwork to become foster parents. I kid you not, the day the stick turned pink the agency called to let us know we were approved to start our training. Unfortunately, I called and declined to pursue fostering at that time because we felt it would be too hard. Fast forward to before I was pregnant with Timothy. We wanted to grow our family but I in no way, shape or form wanted to be foster parents. I did NOT want to deal with loving a baby and having to give him/her back. Apparently God felt differently.

After losing Timothy my heart was so sad. I had longed to love that baby boy and enjoy every second with him. God and I weren't on great terms, but He urged my heart. He told me to try again. He told me there were lots of babies who needed the love and care we could give. So I called our agency and talked to them about what we would need to do to foster. The process was oddly easy for us. Some of the training's were hard to listen to when they talked of abuse and trauma. Three months. Start to finish, we were licensed in three months.

We have had five placements since starting this journey 19 months ago. We still have placements 3

 and 5. We have had them both since they were 2 days old. Our "Toby" is 15 months old today. I'm pretty sure God made him for me. He is my rainbow baby. This sweet boy healed my heart. He is only 2 months younger than Timothy would be. He fits into our family like the missing puzzle piece. Yet, he might be leaving. Ever since we got him he was supposed to be leaving. From the time we got him I told God, if this boy is supposed to stay with us please just keep him here. He's still here. It seems like it will take a miracle for him to be ours forever, but we pray every day for that miracle. 

Our sweet Strawberry was never supposed to come to us. We never intended to have two babies at once. They are only 9 months apart. Toby's biological grandma was supposed to take him, so we opened up for another baby right before he would be leaving.  The day after we brought Strawberry home, Toby's grandma told me she wanted him to stay with us. That we were his mommy and daddy. So now we have two. Strawberry is supposed to leave soon too. There is family and friends they are checking out to take her. She is almost six months old. We would love to keep her as well but its not up to us. Pretty sure this will take another miracle from God.

If you had asked me two years ago when I was going through the greatest heartache ever if I would be loving on these babies as well as my four sweet bio kids, I would have scoffed and laughed and said ya right God. I am the last person that could take in babies and give them back. I'm pretty sure the heartbreak will happen. I'm also pretty sure God called us to this..and there are more babies for us to love out there. And maybe, just maybe there will be one(or more) for us to keep forever.