The BIGGEST mistake of our lives & a journey back to fertility

Psalm 137 3-5 
Children are a gift from the Lord;
they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man
are like arrows in a warrior’s hands.
How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!

In order to tell you about the biggest mistake of our lives (in our opinion) I will give you a back story leading up to it.  I have been praying about whether or not to share this with the "world" or continue to keep it private amongst a few family members and a handful of friends, and I continue to feel led to sharing our story.

In the summer of 2003 my parents were loading up their moving truck to move to Colorado. I had been wondering if something was up with me for a couple days, and decided that afternoon to head to our apartment and take a "test". It was positive. I went back to my parents house to tell my husband, "you remember that thing we were talking about?", him- "ya", me- "it was positive", him- "oh" with a deer in the headlights look.

This was not in our life plan!!! Jeff was supposed to finish school, we were both supposed to work for a couple years to pay off debt and save money to buy a house. We kept it to ourselves for a few days as we helped drive my parents and their stuff out to Colorado. After telling my parents and feeling the relief of their support we felt better about things. And in April of 2004 we welcomed Mr. Colby into the world! What fun I had with that boy! (and still do) We knew I was going to be a stay at home mom, and I have always loved every minute of it!

When Colby turned 1 we knew we wanted to add to the family and have kiddos close together. We always said we wanted 2 or 3 kids. It took a grueling 3 months to get pregnant, but it finally happened and we were so excited. I was REALLY hoping for a girl, because i have always had a super close relationship with my mom and wanted to have the same with my own daughter. At the anatomy scan when I was half way through my pregnancy they told us we were having a baby girl- and I was so happy- I was literally sobbing in the ultrasound room. In February of 2006 miss Hallie (Hal-e) Jane was born!!

When Hallie was about 1 we decided it was time for another baby! So we got busy ;-) and well he basically just looked at me and I was pregnant again. And lo and behold another baby girl was on the way! In January of 2008 Miss Sadie came into the world.

At this point we had a 3 yr old, an almost 2 year old and a newborn...overwhelmed much??

Since the thing to do seemed to be get a vasectomy and not have to worry- we scheduled the appointment. No one discouraged us not to. No one said are you sure- this is a big decision. At this point though I am not sure I would have listened. We were overwhelmed with little ones, in a whole lotta debt, and I was dealing with minor PPD. So we made the appointment and Jeff had a vasectomy when Sadie was only 2 months old.

Fast forward 2 years. We have paid off most of that whole lotta debt...and I started getting an itch. An itch only women can relate to. (no not that kind of itch) a baby itch! The 3 we had were bigger and more responsible- we are homeschooling now, so no reason to get the kids off to school so I can go back to work. So I mentioned to Jeff that I wanted a baby and he laughed. A few months later I brought it up again (I am at this point fully aware its not possible but still talking about it) and he said "We played God and now we have to deal with it". OUCH! He was right though. We did play God. Why in the world would be break something that should never have been broken in the first place? Why would we take matters into our own hands and not keep Jeff the way God made him? We had a lot to think about.

I knew vasectomy reversals were expensive. We have known people that had them and they are not covered by insurance, and they cost over 10k dollars. So not an option for us. Although I decided to check out google anyways and see what was out there. I researched them a little and found a few doctors that did them at discounted rates. One was in Oklahoma. That was a day's drive away. And it was only $1,700. So I prayed..A LOT! And another few months later I brought it up to Jeff again..and guess what he told me. "I have always wanted more kids"- what?!?!??! Why in the world did we get a vasectomy then?!? Can't change that.

Now we were on the same page. We both felt led by God to start the process of booking the appointment and getting this all figured out. We were gonna get my husband FIXED!!!! He was truly broken. Dr. Wilson seemed too good to be true though with his low price of $1,700. So I researched him more, and found a great site on Baby Center full of women who have gone through the same thing raving about this Dr. He talks fast they said (they weren't kidding- remember the micro machine guy commercials?? ya faster than that!!) he doesn't have many people skills...nope didn't but he was good at his job. He does 3 surgeries a day and used to be a heart surgeon. So he is good at reconnecting small tubes. Even though Dr. Wilson's fee's were cheaper then most it was still a lot of money for us to come up with. Jeff did our taxes and guess what?? There was JUST ENOUGH of our refund left over for us to get this surgery done- so blessed! And feeling like we are still following the Lord's plan for us.

We knew there was only two days we were available to go get this surgery done, so we needed to score an appt. on the EXACT day and time we were able to be there. Dr. Wilson keeps his prices low by having an online scheduling system and no secretary. And he was booked 3 months in advance. I knew the day that the next available day would open up and had to act fast because the appointments get taken within minutes of opening up. Long story short but we got the EXACT day AND time we needed. Whew! Thank you God.

We had our trip planned and knew we had to take the kids. This was going to be interesting. We couldn't tell them what was going on- they wouldn't understand. Colby had just turned 7 so we just told them daddy needed a surgery on his leg.(HA!) The whole trip went off without a hitch, the kids did great, and Jeff was in pain but we all made it home alive the next day after LOTS of driving.

We did get a little bad news. For only being 3 years from having had a vasectomy the Dr. gave us the worst chances of sperm returning. Only 60%. And 40% chance of actually getting pregnant. We didn't let it get us down though. We tried, and tried, and tried. And nuthin.

I went to the doctor and found out I had hypothyroid- a cause for infertility. Took care of that- levels are normal now. And still nuthin.

For the last 14 months we have continued to have Faith and Trust that the Lord brought us down this path for a reason. If nothing else, our marriage is stronger. It has to be. Infertility sucks. I have a deep respect now for women who go through this for years. I might end up being one of them. And it's sad. And really lonely. Not many understand. And when you see pregnant people EVERYWHERE,  Facebook postings, and lots of cute teeny tiny adorable babies- it really sucks that none of them are yours. And don't get me wrong I am always SO happy for my friends and family having these blessings- but I'm not gonna lie- its REALLY hard. I have cried out to God trying to figure out why He brought us down this path and we are still not pregnant. He continues to tell me to wait. So I will. Just a few nights ago I was asking the Lord why another month has gone by of tests with only 1 line and as I was reading my Bible the verse I was reading said this, "You of little Faith, why did you doubt?" He knew I was going to fall apart, and I did. Thankfully it didn't last long and I was back to having Faith and trusting that He knows the right time for us and I will wait.

I will admit this process has changed me. I have more patience, I rely on the Lord for direction more, but I am also a little more sad sometimes. So if I have seemed different, its probably because of this process we have been going through. I enjoy the 3 babies I already have immensely, they are my world and always cheer me up when I am feeling down. Thankfully I hide it well and the kids are not effected.

We have had Jeff tested and he fell into the 60%- he is fixed, things are back to normal. We continue to pray and ask God to bless us again. Our children ask God every night for a new baby. And sometimes I hope someone will decide to just give me one! We have looked into adoption- we simply can't afford it, we have looked into foster care- they say our house isn't big enough. Doors slammed shut, so we are 99% sure those are not paths we can go down right now.

If anything I have learned that I will advocate to anyone and everyone to not get a vasectomy. Do something less permanent. Or don't do anything at all. Children are a blessing. We will no longer use birth control and "play God". We will accept all the blessings the Lord wants to give us. Of course at this point- one more would be awesome! Remember us in your prayers- we would greatly appreciate it.

A HUGE Snafu...Part 2.

For the first part of this story check out A HUGE Snafu...part 1


We made our way the 10 seconds to the mechanic that was recommended to us. 3 guys were just sitting around in a small office when Jeff explained the situation. At this point the kids were still in the car. The guys popped the hood and checked out the oil since that seemed to be the situation at this point. It was still super low- like almost none...how could that be when Jeff just put in 4 quarts...they asked for the van's owners manual. They realized what everyone thought was the oil dipstick was the transmission fluid dipstick..so they found the oil dipstick way in the back and boy was it full!! About 4 quarts too much!! At this point we realize the transmission fluid is REALLY low and that its most likely something to do with that. The guys got busy and looked under the car and took the wheel off and were trying to see what they could find. About this point I realized these guys don't do big jobs, and they try to stay away from foreign cars...our van is a Honda Odyssey. I got the kids out of the car and we all decided to find some food. They recommended a pizza place (best pizza in Wyoming they told us)...we checked it out and decided to pass because the cost for all of us to eat there was going to be a lot and we knew we were facing some major expenses with the car repairs. Instead we headed to the gas station and grabbed some hot dogs. This was our only other option food wise. When we got back to the shop one of the guys was holding a part of some kind..stripped of something..and the transmission fluid was mixed with oil and metal shavings. The car would not change gears and basically we needed a new transmission. LOVELY!

The mechanic looked up the cost of getting a rebuilt transmission, a new transmission, and so on...we would have to tow the van to Cheyenne Wyoming which is about 120 miles away...and the tow would have cost $3.50-$4 a mile...our insurance would have covered up to 24 miles. The new tranny would cost roughly $4000 including installation. We looked up the blue book value on the van and in excellent condition sold to a private owner it was worth $5250. And my van was not in excellent condition!! So after lots of OMG what should we do and phone calls to family members we decided to sell the van to a scrap yard and cut our losses. Sad- I will miss my van!!

Now...we are 5 people with a whole lotta camping equipment...how in the world do we get home. In Lusk, Wyoming there are no buses that stop there, no taxi cabs...no nuthin! I had talked to my mom and put her on stand by for renting a car to come get us the next day- this was our first option. Our second option was the mechanic said his wife could drive us to the Cheyenne airport where we would rent a car and drive it one way home. He called his wife and she was not willing to do that alone- I would have been the same way if my husband called to tell me that. So he finally said he would drive us when he got off work at 5. So I called the car rental place and got something reserved- they closed at 730 but he gave me his cell number to call him if it was past 730 and he would get us a car.

Jeff started packing things into the mechanic's Suburban and getting car seats installed and so forth. We trashed some stuff like everything in the cooler that was no longer cool...and some other random things. The mechanic closed his shop early and we all loaded up. We stopped by his house to pick up his wife, who was super nice. They have 5 children- ages 17-8. And off we went!! All 3 kids slept the entire 2.5 hrs it took to get there. We rolled in a few minutes before 7:30 and picked up our "car". It was a Suburban.(After all was said and done it cost $350 to rent that thing and leave it here in the Springs) We were able to transfer stuff super quick and say goodbye to the mechanic and his wife. We filled up their tank before we left and I offered them some money for their time, but they wouldn't take it. We ended up signing the car over to them and let them get the money from a scrap place..not much maybe $300.(they have to wait for someone to come thru town asking if anyone has scrap cars- so we couldn't wait around) They said they were going to donate it to their church. I never asked what church, but I am 99% sure they are part of the LDS community. I'm sure the money will be put to good use.

We were loaded up and headed to Sonic for some dinner at 8PM. They have a sit down inside one in Cheyenne, so it was nice to feel a little relaxed and eat food- I had eaten a cliff bar all day. We had a pleasant drive home and rolled in about 7 hours later than planned at 11PM. Home sweet home never felt so good!!!

I have no pictures from this wild ride- never stopped to think about getting out the camera!!

And BTW- I still don't know what God was trying to tell me through all this- I will let you know when I know!!

A HUGE Snafu...part 1

We took a road trip last week and headed up to South Dakota to go camping and see the sites. One of those being Mt. Rushmore...we had a great week. Absolutely perfect weather for tent camping- best ever for us! Everyone transitioned well into sleeping in the tent, we had very little melt downs and an over-all super fun time together. We even talked about hoping to get a pop up camper in the next year or so and doing more road trips to the east coast and maybe Florida. I will post pictures later this week of all the fun stuff we did.

We headed home Thursday morning- we got the van all loaded up and went to leave and couldn't find the car keys. My absent minded husband had rolled them up in the tent..which was now in the car-top carrier at the bottom. We needed to be leaving for the 8 hour trip home, so we used the spare car keys and asked my parents to unlock a back door for us. I should have known then, that the trip home was going to be tricky.

We camped in Custer State Park and roaming around the park at all times are wild buffalo. We learned a lot about them while there and got some good pictures. As we were winding our way out of the park we saw a male buffalo in the middle of the road. Just sauntering along, taking his time. I told Jeff to roll down the window cause I wanted to get a good picture. He did. As we were rolling up the window and slowing making our way past Mr. Buffalo he started to chase the van and I screamed "GO GO GO!!!!!" Jeff was able to get going pretty quick and the Buffalo gave up. We learned that Buffalo can run 55 MPH...so we knew we needed to haul it quick! This was another sign that our trip home was not going to be pleasant!

Here he is as we were trying to drive past.

The shot i got before he started running!

We drove for a couple hours- mostly in the middle of nowhere. Sadie had to go potty once and we stopped at a rest stop and made everyone try to go just in case. We were back in the car and on the road for about 30 more minutes- while I was reading my book, "How to listen to God" by Charles Stanley. We were going up a hill and all the sudden Jeff started slowing down. I looked up and said whats wrong, and he said I don't know but the car is not wanting to go up this hill and shift gears. So we pulled over...in.the.middle.of.nowhere. And we had no cell service. We both got out of the car- thankfully the kids didn't question too much of what was going on at this point. Jeff lifted the hood...and there was A LOT of smoke pouring out of there. He checked the oil- it was really low! Which I found odd because I just had the oil changed not too long before. There could have been a leak though. A nice young guy from Colorado pulled over and said he would take Jeff to a town a few miles away to get some more oil.

I knew Jeff had to go because we had no other choice- but the thought of being on the side of the road in a broken down van with 3 kids and no cell service made me FREAKED OUT! So I prayed...a lot...for like 30 minutes straight. We sat in the hot car with the doors locked...when I knew it would be close to time for Jeff to be back I opened my door for a few to let the breeze in. Finally they were back..the guy had to get to work, so he let Jeff out with the oil and took off. Jeff put the oil in and things seemed better, but we knew we needed to get it fixed, so we would go slow into the town of Lusk, Wyoming.

Everyone had to go potty so we went to the grocery store. While there Jeff asked the workers if they could recommend a mechanic because the one he got the oil from was less then stellar. We didn't have alot of choices, but I believe the Lord took us to the right one!

TO BE CONTINUED...

Trust in Him

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight"
Proverbs 3:5-6

Sara