In October of 2014 we had an early loss; so I was much more guarded this time around about telling people. And for the last year we had hoped and prayed that the Lord would bless us again. And He did. We kept it quiet from the kids so they wouldn't have to endure heartbreak again. We went to our first ultrasound where the baby measured exactly to the day on schedule.We saw the flickering of that heartbeat and took a deep sigh of relief. So, we finally told the kids on Halloween. They were sooo excited. I think the only people who love new babies in our family more than me are my kids!!
My husband took off during his lunch hour to accompany me to my monthly doctors appt. They were very busy that day and it seemed to take forever for them to come into the room. My midwife got out her doppler and tried to find our baby's heartbeat. She told me not to worry, because it was still a little early to hear it good on the doppler. The ultra sound tech had left for the day, but my midwife turned on the machine so we could have some reassurance before coming home. Oh how I wish that is what we got.
She tried for a couple minutes to find a heartbeat but it never happened. She told me she was sorry, but she couldn't get one. She handed us a picture of our baby and had us make an appt for Monday to have an ultrasound with the tech and make sure she hadn't missed something. My husband called a co-worker and had him cover the rest of his classes for the day so he could go home with me. I don't remember much from that weekend. Except laying in bed, sobbing. And searching for a little bit of hope on the internet of other's who have gone through something similar and their babies were ok.
Monday afternoon came and we were told what we already knew. Our baby had passed away sometime the week before. The baby measured still almost exactly the right size for the gestation of my pregnancy. I asked why that would be and she said the baby was probably just measuring ahead and was bigger for it's age. They asked what we would like to do: Go home and wait to go into labor on my own (which could take a few days to a few weeks), take some medicine that causes it to happen within a day or two, or I could have a D & C surgery in a couple days. We chose the surgery so it would be quick and mostly painless. And I wouldn't need to worry about being home with the kids when it would happen.
It was the day before Thanksgiving when I went in. I was at a new hospital I had never been to before as more than a visitor. I had a doctor performing the surgery that was nice but I didn't know her well. I see the midwife at the practice and she cannot perform the surgery. The nurses were all so very nice and I had the best experience that could be expected.We had to sign a form stating the time of death for our baby. (Which just pisses me off that these pro-choice crazies always say it isn't a life until it's born- well I beg to differ because how can something die that was never alive??) The last thing I remember after getting into the operating room was the Dr asking me the ages of my other children. I remember telling her but that was all. When I woke up I was sobbing. I slightly remember saying "I just want my baby back". And then more sobbing. I think I cried close to an hour. I had finally settled down and my husband came in, and then more crying.
About an hour after that they were sending us on our way. We drove thru Arby's on the way home because I was starving and still having those hormonal cravings. (a cruel joke when you no longer have your baby inside you) My mom was staying with the kids and stayed the night to help if needed and to cook. She is amazing by the way. She kept us all fed for a couple weeks, when I couldn't get out of bed or muster up the energy to do anything.
I was happy my husband was also home all the rest of the week for Thanksgiving break. That holiday will never be the same for me. We were able to have our baby tested to see if there was anything wrong that caused it to die. I am thankful for technology because it has helped bring us closure. We finally got the results back and found out our baby had nothing chromosomally wrong with him. And that our baby was a sweet little boy. Oh how he would have had so much fun with our big boys!! What a ruckus they would have caused in our semi-quiet household. (Even with four kids they are quiet children so we just don't have a noisy house-maybe one day that will change)
We have decided to name our third son because he was so loved and wanted. We chose the name Timothy for him because it means Honoring God- oh how I hope talking about his short little life will be honoring to the Lord. We chose David for his middle name because it means BELOVED. And boy was he LOVED. His life was short but he was loved fiercely. Every night after our big kids learned of his upcoming arrival they prayed for him. My husband had taught our littlest to look in my belly button for the baby- we all thought that was pretty funny!!
I don't know why our sweet boy was taken from us, I never will. I think the Lord must need him up in Heaven more than I needed him on earth. It still doesn't ease the heartbreak and sadness for us. Yes I have four healthy children but I would take a hundred if the Lord saw fit. No matter how many kids a person has, losing one is not any easier. A LOT of women go through this I have found out upon researching. 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. I had 4 healthy pregnancies before going through this, for that I am blessed. I would never wish it upon anyone and hope to never go through it again. I do have hope though. Hope in the Lord. I do not know what the future holds for our "little" family- I pray it is for more children running around but my ways are not God's ways.
Ecclesiastes 11:5 says this, " As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things."
2 comments:
Our angel baby, Timothy David, was loved beyond comprehension. Even at 10wks. we had all become so attached to him before we even knew he was a boy. Gender didn't matter to us. It was our baby and we were so thankful to God for blessing our family once again with a new life. As a grandma, aka, "Grammy", I was counting the weeks and dreaming of what this new grandbaby would be like. Who would he look like?, would he have red hair like his Grammy?, what would his personality be like? and so many other unanswered questions. The joy was beyond words. We were excited for the day of the Dr. visit and ultrasound. Surely it would bring good news of how many heartbeats per min. and how he measured. The punch in my gut of a text saying, "Bad news" and then the worst to follow, "No heartbeat" sent my mind and emotions swirling in a matter of seconds. I had to tell the kids the sad news.They saw the look on my face when I read the texts. They looked shocked and sad.
I told them we needed to pray right then. They bowed their heads as I prayed. I can't even remember what I prayed, I think for God's comfort and peace in such a hard, sad situation. But I held strong that God doesn't make mistakes, His ways are always right even when we don't understand them. That this baby was now in the arms of Jesus and someday we will see him. It has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through other than losing my dad 25 yrs. ago. To see my daughter in so much emotional pain that I couldn't take away from her and to know that we will never see this precious soul this side of heaven hurts. I have hope that God will see fit to bless our family again with a new life. Not to replace baby Timothy but to remind us that God can multiply His love to us through the gift of life. People who don't identify an unborn child as a person have all but to look at an ultrasound pic and see a little arm up by their head or their little feet sticking up. And how can we refute God's word that clearly says that we are knit in our mother's womb and are fearfully and wonderfully made? Grammy loves you baby Timothy. I look forward to finally seeing your sweet face when I cross thru heaven's gates. I will know you and can't wait to scoop you up and never have to say goodbye again. No more tears, sorrow or questioning why you were taken from us so soon. Until then, enjoy the beauty of God's presence and know that you will forever be our own special angel baby.
A mother and yes, even a motherin-law, never wants bad things to happen to members of their family and she is heartbroken when they do, as they will. I am so so sorry (and heartbroken) that all of y'all had to experience this lost. I know of some of your sorrow as it happened to me twice. Becky Duke, a devotional writer for The Upper Room wrote, "Even if the only thing we can do to help in any given situation is to pray, that is enough." I wasn't there with you in person but I want you to know, I never stopped praying for a miracle. A verse I like to read is from Jeremiah chapter 29 verse 11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." As the focus of the Sunday school lesson I taught Sunday was, remember to stay focused on God's promises and not the events of daily life. This is a time for lots of "group hugs" which I am sure y'all are having. Love you all.Thanks for sharing your story. It was beautifully written.
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